- The In-Between: Unforgettable Encounters During Life’s Final Moments by Hadley Vlahos, R.N.
- Published on June 13th, 2023 by Ballantine Books
- Genres: Non-Fiction, Death, Hospice, Grief, Autobiography, Life Lessons
- Spice Level: No spice detected
- Anne’s Rating: 8.8 out of 10
Death has been a part of my life since my dad passed when I was 6. I thought I knew grief and loss. Now I think it’s one of those things you can’t truly understand until it happens to you as an adult. Because I unfortunately understand it well now. My mom – Jane Elizabeth Scott Haines – died very suddenly a little over a month ago. November 29th, 2024. She was only 73.
Her health hadn’t been good for over a decade now. She suffered a massive stroke while I was in college, and things gradually declined to a point where she couldn’t take care of herself anymore and needed to transition into long-term care (a dignified way of saying nursing home). Her transition there brought up a lot of fears for her because she felt like she would die at any moment. Nursing homes were where people went to die, after all.
Really, my mom wasn’t about to die. She just needed help staying healthy. Her anxiety about death lessened once she realized it wasn’t breathing down her neck, but I knew her fear was still there. I have been a follower of Hadley’s TikTok for years now. I knew about this book and had even put it on my Amazon wish list forever ago. My intention was to share it with my mom – to demystify death a bit. I wanted to get this book for her so she could see how death could be. That it wasn’t as scary as we think.
Of course, I didn’t get her the book. And her passing wasn’t peaceful, like the patients whose stories Hadley shares. It was very quick and sudden, which does also have its perks (namely I don’t think she even realized what was happening to her). So instead of buying this book for my mom, I bought it for me. A few nights ago, when I couldn’t sleep, I stayed up until 4:00 AM reading these beautiful stories about death and loss and grief.
Hadley has used her TikTok account as a platform to talk about the dying process, from what she has witnessed herself as a hospice nurse. The phenomena that almost always happens – no matter the person’s ideology, faith, or lack thereof. The peace of knowing that our loved ones that have already passed on come to get us when it’s our time – that we see them clear as day and can talk to them. Stories that were briefly touched on in a 60-second TikTok videos are now told beautifully in full.
Hadley is a wonderful storyteller, which comes across just as well in writing as it does in her videos. She is open, honest, and vulnerable about her life and how her patients have deeply impacted her. She lets the reader get to know her as a person, being very open about becoming a mom at a young age and her own personal struggles. Some parts of the book were upsetting – specifically when she describes the callousness of nurses who have worked the job so long, they no longer see their patients as people. It makes my blood boil to know that people who have a hard time with empathy work in a job where they are treating people who are at their most vulnerable. Their contrast with Hadley’s kind and gentle approach is very clear.
Each chapter of this book focuses on one specific patient’s end of life journey, as well as seeing Hadley grow as a person and in her role as a hospice nurse. She takes away lessons from each person discussed, and is passing them on to us. To name a few: Carl taught her patience and how to get someone to open up and let you in. Sandra taught her how different a person can be if they’re in insurmountable pain. Elizabeth’s lesson is my – and I think Hadley’s – favorite: Life is short. Eat the damn cake. Lily and her friend Alison taught her to have people in your life that, if you couldn’t go to the beach, would bring the beach to you. Babette, although not a patient (she was Hadley’s mother-in-law), taught her that you can plan all you want, but life is unpredictable. Each story is a reminder that people who are dying are more than their illnesses – they are people who have lives and loved ones. And they deserve dignity and respect.
This book was a very quick read, and I think an important one. Death – and loss and grief – is something we should talk about more. We live our lives avoiding anything to do with death, but most of us will get to a point where we have to face it head-on. It’s better to learn and adjust to its inevitability as soon as we can. I am grateful for people like Hadley, who talk about such an avoided topic with gentleness, warmth, and kindness.
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